Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Loneliness (part 1)

From my journal today...I googled "lonely" and "loneliness" and was surprised to find so much discussion:blogs, books, even studies.I keep trying to identify this feeling. I want it to go away. It's uncomfortable. I feel empty. I thought it was anxiety--this feeling of tears behind my eyeballs for no apparent reason, this search for peace and rest. I've been told that emotions are trecherous advisors and since I have a history of being an emotional thinker (moody), I am quick to think that the emotion itself is wrong. I think I'm just lonely. I walk into church (a normal social place for me) and say hi and struggle with small talk but what I am really looking for is connnection. I search people's faces hoping for a glimpse of...what? "I see you, you are of value to me, I have room for you in my life." I have potential friend radar up but yet I am very afraid of being too needy and I am terribly afraid of rejection (or perceived rejection). Somehow I view this as a problem--something is WRONG with me, if only I was plugged into God correctly, I would be full. I hear "God is enough" and I desperately want Him to be. But then I know also that He made us to be relational.
So, would you dialogue with me about this? I'm sure now that I am not the only one who feels this way. Just writing this makes me feel better (a diagnosis helps). Will I really press "publish" or be safe and keep it hidden in my journal? I did spend time this morning doing a study of "lonely" and "alone" in the Bible...that may be in part 2.

1 comment:

  1. I hear you, Bev, and I agree with you! I presently attend a large church and am seeking a different place to worship because I can go in and out without anyone really talking to me or even knowing I was there. It feels very sad and lonely to me, though I love the worship service and the preaching. There is definitely something missing! I think it is a symptom of our society as a whole and the value that we as Americans place on "autonomy". At work, in life, needing someone else is viewed as weak. Isn't this contrary to how God's kingdom is supposed to work? How many "one another" phrases are there in the Bible??? Thank you for your candor.