From my journal today...I googled "lonely" and "loneliness" and was surprised to find so much discussion:blogs, books, even studies.I keep trying to identify this feeling. I want it to go away. It's uncomfortable. I feel empty. I thought it was anxiety--this feeling of tears behind my eyeballs for no apparent reason, this search for peace and rest. I've been told that emotions are trecherous advisors and since I have a history of being an emotional thinker (moody), I am quick to think that the emotion itself is wrong. I think I'm just lonely. I walk into church (a normal social place for me) and say hi and struggle with small talk but what I am really looking for is connnection. I search people's faces hoping for a glimpse of...what? "I see you, you are of value to me, I have room for you in my life." I have potential friend radar up but yet I am very afraid of being too needy and I am terribly afraid of rejection (or perceived rejection). Somehow I view this as a problem--something is WRONG with me, if only I was plugged into God correctly, I would be full. I hear "God is enough" and I desperately want Him to be. But then I know also that He made us to be relational.
So, would you dialogue with me about this? I'm sure now that I am not the only one who feels this way. Just writing this makes me feel better (a diagnosis helps). Will I really press "publish" or be safe and keep it hidden in my journal? I did spend time this morning doing a study of "lonely" and "alone" in the Bible...that may be in part 2.