From my journal today...I googled "lonely" and "loneliness" and was surprised to find so much discussion:blogs, books, even studies.I keep trying to identify this feeling. I want it to go away. It's uncomfortable. I feel empty. I thought it was anxiety--this feeling of tears behind my eyeballs for no apparent reason, this search for peace and rest. I've been told that emotions are trecherous advisors and since I have a history of being an emotional thinker (moody), I am quick to think that the emotion itself is wrong. I think I'm just lonely. I walk into church (a normal social place for me) and say hi and struggle with small talk but what I am really looking for is connnection. I search people's faces hoping for a glimpse of...what? "I see you, you are of value to me, I have room for you in my life." I have potential friend radar up but yet I am very afraid of being too needy and I am terribly afraid of rejection (or perceived rejection). Somehow I view this as a problem--something is WRONG with me, if only I was plugged into God correctly, I would be full. I hear "God is enough" and I desperately want Him to be. But then I know also that He made us to be relational.
So, would you dialogue with me about this? I'm sure now that I am not the only one who feels this way. Just writing this makes me feel better (a diagnosis helps). Will I really press "publish" or be safe and keep it hidden in my journal? I did spend time this morning doing a study of "lonely" and "alone" in the Bible...that may be in part 2.
Showing posts with label Learning Moment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Learning Moment. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Bananas or Lemons?
Recently, while talking with three different friends about what is happening in their lives, they shared stories about the trials of trying to care for their mothers. Because of health issues and natural aging issues, they have been put in the position of having to take charge to see that their mothers are cared for. All three of these mothers are making it very difficult on their daughters...being unkind and actually abusive to those people who love them the most. Each of these daughters have grounds to withdraw and let natural consequences happen. But instead, each of these daughters is choosing to honor their difficult parent and hang in there and try to make the best decisions they know how to make for the longterm good of their parent.
My mother has said that when she needs care, she will gladly move to Ohio to live with one of us and we will then share in her care. Mother has always been outgoing and friendly so during her stay in the nursing home she naturally went from room to room visiting those who were not as mobile and finding partners to play games with. She is "given to hospitality" so takes that with her wherever she goes. If you are driving through central West Virginia and need a place to stay, she will take you in even if she has never met you and make you feel at home.
The lesson is that as we age, we grow stronger in whatever we have already are. I have often wondered if I would sweeten like a banana, or be sour and bitter like a lemon. I truly want to be a sweet old lady...actually, I want to be a sweet middle-ager. It is my prayer that I will yield to God's hands and become sweeter and sweeter. I do not want to resist any work that He wants to do in me.
My mother has said that when she needs care, she will gladly move to Ohio to live with one of us and we will then share in her care. Mother has always been outgoing and friendly so during her stay in the nursing home she naturally went from room to room visiting those who were not as mobile and finding partners to play games with. She is "given to hospitality" so takes that with her wherever she goes. If you are driving through central West Virginia and need a place to stay, she will take you in even if she has never met you and make you feel at home.
The lesson is that as we age, we grow stronger in whatever we have already are. I have often wondered if I would sweeten like a banana, or be sour and bitter like a lemon. I truly want to be a sweet old lady...actually, I want to be a sweet middle-ager. It is my prayer that I will yield to God's hands and become sweeter and sweeter. I do not want to resist any work that He wants to do in me.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
A Lesson From My Mother
Recently, while going over a familiar refrain about Marilyn, Mother remarked that maybe I hear this woman with a biased ear (my words)...maybe she is right.
I have noticed that my Mother seldom complains about anything any more. She never cried about falling and breaking her hip last fall...only chastising herself for missinbg the step and lamenting that she wouldn't be at the funeral to support Aunt Mary. The closest she came to complaining was to tell me how much it hurt to be weighed in the sling contraption (getting in and out was excruciating) and how she would refuse to repeat the process. She came up with an alternative that worked much better. Just a few weeks ago, she said that her 20 days spent at Glenville Care wasn't so bad and she could go there again if need be. I'm sure she could have complained about any number of things along the way--it was a pretty traumatic event from our view as her family.
Is this something that comes with age? Either one turns into a cranky old bear or developes contentment with a positive outlook. Some days I want my Mother to commiserate with me and am disappointed that she doesn't add her two-cents worth. Now in my 50's as I listen to young people spouting off or worrying about something, I sometimes find myself wondering "what is the big deal?"
My mother is 80...so considering the alternative, I'll choose to be content with my Mother's contentment.
I have noticed that my Mother seldom complains about anything any more. She never cried about falling and breaking her hip last fall...only chastising herself for missinbg the step and lamenting that she wouldn't be at the funeral to support Aunt Mary. The closest she came to complaining was to tell me how much it hurt to be weighed in the sling contraption (getting in and out was excruciating) and how she would refuse to repeat the process. She came up with an alternative that worked much better. Just a few weeks ago, she said that her 20 days spent at Glenville Care wasn't so bad and she could go there again if need be. I'm sure she could have complained about any number of things along the way--it was a pretty traumatic event from our view as her family.
Is this something that comes with age? Either one turns into a cranky old bear or developes contentment with a positive outlook. Some days I want my Mother to commiserate with me and am disappointed that she doesn't add her two-cents worth. Now in my 50's as I listen to young people spouting off or worrying about something, I sometimes find myself wondering "what is the big deal?"
My mother is 80...so considering the alternative, I'll choose to be content with my Mother's contentment.
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